August 12, 2020

Dear diary,

Mommy is watching Hoarders, crying, and clearing out the basement. Mom says that she is one traumatic event away from becoming a hoarder. Every corner in the house, there lives yet more evidence of her pull towards hoarding. Axolotls, other various critters, plants, fabric, zippers, old books, home made clothing, diy earrings, canvases, paints, brushes, paper, and more paint.

This is all going in the trash or to the donation box. Not all. Mom is still keeping all her animals: her axolotls, Bubbles, Toki, Pada, Mango, Haneul, Namoo, Inkoo, Pecky, Mochi, and Marshmallow de Lafayette. But mom says she is going to stop getting MORE animals. Because up until a week ago, she was going to choose between a hamster or two baby chicks that will grow to lay blue eggs. But that plan has changed. No more animals.

Ten year old dried up paints went into the trash. Old art supplies that had withered with waiting went into the recycling box. Half of the clothes that she made went to donation, and fabrics that were bought just because they were on sale also went to donation. Sweaters that she knitted for herself and Jungmin went to donation. Gifts that never got used went to donation. Books that were read and not read went to the Seekonk sharing box. Projects that never took off: recycled, donated or trashed. Mom is purging, crying, grieving, and feeling deep unpleasant emotions. But she is learning to sit with her discomfort. Without trying to avoid them, fixing them, numbing them, or creating another mind-numbing distraction. So mom is watching Hoarders, crying and cleaning out the house.

One of the specialists says, “if you don’t feel it, you can’t heal it.” So mom is feeling a lot of things these days. A lot of unfixable emotions. And she is reaching out to loved ones. So that she can practice love and practice joy.

I wish the weather was cooler so that mom could bake bread. I miss the smell of yeasty bread.

Love, Bob

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